JOLYN CY♥
blessed (:

take me to the sky

12:07 PM i dunno wad to say.
102th post and im not feeling very gay.
well. at first i was relireli upset and all.
then i saw more and im even worse now.
i hav nth to say.
number1. i din go to sch today.
number2. im sick
number3. i had a mental breakdown.WOW.
number4. lemme count. i think i broke down bout more than 5 times.
number5. im feeling like im gonna breakdown again.
number6. the eoys are coming.
number7. why do i always breakdown and hav problems with everything else when the tests are here.
number8. i guess i hav to accept God's path. but. i dunno.
number9. i just wanna cry.
number10. im crying.

that was so crap.
i hate crying.
and now im hearing a lil baby cry and wail as i cry.
and im listening to sad songs.
and im trying to smile at the laptop.
i hate myself.
i couldnt sleep all night ytd.
feeling reli feverish.
and then i started crying alot.
thinking bout eoys. ppl. lit. just everything that's happened this year.
and then bout last year.
and i continued crying.
and dad and mum continued snoring.
so loud.
i couldnt sleep.
everything seems so weird.
everytime i cry.
i cant seem to find someone to lean against.
i just cuddle myself.
and cry.
ihatethis.
i dunno what to say.
i just cant find that one person to cry with.ortoleanagainst.when im sad.
there's so many ppl who are so close.yet so far.
yet those that i reli feel the infinity with.
are reli that cold now.
whats the use of having so many ppl around u to smile.
when u dun hav anyone to cry.
wadcrap.
i want u. i want my jie. i want qinying. i want dage. i want kor. i want errohh. i want snr. i want gorgor.
iloveu.all of u. but all of u will nvr feel the same about me.
that's demanding. but. i just feel like having them by my side.
i want steph. i want shiyin.
i duno who i want anymore.
i just hate the loneliness.
i hate myself.
i hate crying.
know wad?
i dunno wad.
i just feel crushed.
like i cant get up on my own anymore.
im just going to lie down.
and not get up.
and cry for all i want.
before i pull myself up.
idunno.
i feel pathetic.
no one ever cares.
no one ever realises.
no one ever notices.
no one ever finds out.
no one ever knows.
everytime i cry. no one sees.
cuz i nvr let them see.
smtimes i hate myself for being such a two headed freak.
wadeva.
'nvr start frowning cuz u'll nvr know who's falling in luv with ur smile. '
dage's fav saying. in the past. i guess its a normal saying now.
but still. im sorry dage.
i've been not smiling for a long time.
and i know u wun care anymore.
u hav ur ly and alisa and alicia.and whoever else.
but i wanna be ur xiaomei forever.no matter wad.
even if u dun wanna be my dage anymore.
sorry i nvr sent u a reply for that msg.
and sorry i sent u a msg full of ihateu once.
im sorry.
im feeling so foolish.

and if some ppl choose to misunderstand my blogpost.
when im talking bout tuition ppl.
then i dun think i feel like caring.

so i hatemyself. yes.
but i DONOT backstab.
if i backstab.
i would hav told the whole world bad stuff about u.
BEHIND U.
and put bad stuff on some private blog.
instead of putting it right where u can see it huh.
wow. so im polluted.and complicated.
wow.thanks.i choose to be myself.
im like tt. and if u cant take it.
im sorry.
ithinkstuff.butihardlyshow.
sowad.thats me.
iactlikenth'swrong.whenimthinkingboutstuff.that'sNOTNECESSARILYBAD.
thatsme.idunliketoopenmyselftoppl.
idunliketoopenmyselftopplwhodunknowme.
soifudunlikethis.
thendunlikeme.
thenjustabandonmelikeeveryoneelse.
JUSTDUMPME.
ihatemyself.yes.u'reright.WOW.
ugh. i hate crying.
ijusthateitall.
and i just want one nice.caring person who will lend me a shoulder to lend on when im sad.
when im crying.
but that seems impossible.
since im such a idiotic.dumb.uncaring.friendmyself.
hid msgsatsomeplaces.nvm.